Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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