Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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