Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
