Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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