I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
