Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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