If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
