I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
