Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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