I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize