i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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