My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
