Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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