omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
