I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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