That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
