I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
