I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
