ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize