My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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