also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
