So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
