I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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