His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
