I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
