I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize