If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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