oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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