Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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