I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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