I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
