Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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