i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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