i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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