Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
