we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
