I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
