I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
this just has baby written all over it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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