If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
