you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
