So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
