The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
