how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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