I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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