So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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