I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize