Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
