saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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