listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
