I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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