Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
