I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So apparently I’m into choking now
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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