I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
