Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
