I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
