I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
