I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
