the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
