Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
