No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
