I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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