He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
