Have you finally orgasmed yet?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
