Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
