omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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